The Zombies Present...

I was working with fifth grade zombies yesterday. They were putting the finishing touches on their big research project on a famous immigrant of their choice. I spent the morning helping kids find facts and pictures of The Great Khalil, Edge and Arnold Schwarzenegger for their posters. After lunch, the ones who were ready gave their presentation. Not one presentation lasted more than a minute, some less than 15 seconds. Some kids read off note cards; some held cards but never looked at them. Most just stood with their back to the class and read off the poster while they pointed to pictures. But it wasn't torture to watch, not like those sixth graders back in December. These kids didn't seem nervous, were definitely not quiet and, surprisingly, they knew their stuff.

But one report really stood out among them all. This kid was doing his presentation on Ichiro Suzuki of the Seattle Mariners. He gave the entire report reading straight from his note cards, talking really fast and repeating the same three facts in different ways. It was pretty hum-drum until he got to his last card.

"Now I will now show you a picture of a baseball field, a baseball and a bat because they have to do with baseball, which I like and it is what Ichiro Suzuki plays." He turned to his poster.

"This is a baseball field." He pointed to a picture of a stadium on his poster. "This is a baseball." He pointed to a ball. "And this is a bat." Another point. "These all have to do with baseball". He turned back to the room.

"Thank you." And then he gave a little bow.

Sick Zombies and Extra Tea- A Double Feature

Another doubled up post! If I could just get in the habit of blogging everyday then I could stick to one subject. But- GAH - writing everyday sounds like torture! And besides last night on TCM they had Vertigo and Rear Window back to back, so my night was completely taken up with Jimmy Stewart love!


So for your approval...



Story #1- Sick of Music

Yesterday I was sitting back in my home school kicking it with some second grade zombies who LOVE me. Big time love me and wave their little arms off whenever they see me in the building with a class that is not them. It's all good, I love them right back. Well, most of them.


The day ended with the Spring Music program. We were to be entertained by the third and fourth graders singing their hearts out while doing silly hand and arm gestures. It was gearing up to be your classic spring program. On a side note, I've seen more winter and spring programs than probably anyone else on Earth. I average probably about four shows a season. I suspect that there are some teachers out there taking this day off on purpose just to miss the show! How shocking! I also average about three field days every year as well. I KNOW teachers dodge that day on purpose! But really I don't mind, it's a full hour that I don't have to teach and the kids sit there completely mesmerized during the whole thing.


This show yesterday was twelve songs long. I sighed as I read through the program and got as comfortable as possible in my fold-up chair. I nice relaxing hour was at hand. But, in the middle of song seven, something went very wrong. The zombies were singing and gesturing when suddenly a third grader, right in the front row, stopped and then threw up. It was just one quick BLAH and it was over. He missed himself completely but did get a couple of pom poms that were sitting on the floor in front of him.


Not an eye missed what happened and room shared a collective gasp. The music stopped and teachers flew in every direction; some towards the sick kid, others out the various doors and everyone shouting for the custodian. When Mr. F. did appear with a mop, bucket, broom, dustpan, roll of paper towels and the bag of orange stuff that cleans up puke, all the kids applauded. The kid had been bundled off by then and by some strange coincidence his mother was in the audience, with a clean shirt!


A few minutes later you never wouldn't have known there was a problem. The music started up again and the show continued. I have to say that the evil part of me was disappointed. When that kid barfed, I instantly foresaw the fabled chain reaction barf happening all over the gym. It could have been an unstoppable tidal wave of barf. It certainly would have been a best spring program ever performed in an elementary school.


The most amazing part of this is how it ended. Right in the middle of song twelve, the sick kid came back in the gym, took his place on the riser and joined in. He had a big silly grin on his face the whole time but the kids on both sides of him were giving him lots of room. Now if that doesn't get you an A in music class, then I don't know what will!


Story #2--Iced Tea Happiness


I won't bore you again with my love of iced tea and my ongoing search for good tea and the banishment of bad tea. Actually this story is about a waitress who if I had a Waitress Hall of Fame would be inducted today.


The Man and I went out to breakfast this morning at a location that has good tea. We both ordered iced tea and what arrived at the table blew me away. It was a regular glass of iced tea with lots of ice in a nice tall glass AND a second glass of tea with no ice. The second glass was for refilling the first, like having our own little pitcher of extra tea right at the table!


Now you are probably saying to yourself, "What they had there was a lazy waitress who wanted to make as few as trips possible to their table. She could probably tell looking at them that they were a couple of tea buffalo and would wear her out with their perpetually empty glasses." And you may be right. Hell, you probably are right on the money. But I don't even care. That extra glass of tea made my whole day! That and not being around zombies today.

Why it might be time for a job change

I looked it up. I've been zombie-sitting since October of 2001. Ugh.

This must end. Truly. There are 16 more school days and I've started to look at them as my farewell tour. Yesterday I had an experience that really brought it all home to me.

I was at Ely, my home school. I was having a perfectly lovely day in third grade kicking it with kids I have known since kindergarten and I'm on first name relationships with almost all of their parents. None of these kids give me any trouble. But, in the class next door things were going bad. They also had a zombie sitter, but she was being given a run for her money. I could hear them through the wall going crazy. They were running in halls. They were disgusting animals at lunch. (Oh, wait a minute. That's everyday.)

Anyway, by the end of the day I had had it with them giving that poor, confused woman a hard time. They were lined up in the hall, outside my room, acting like fools when I decided to say something.

"Look here! You guys have been out of control all day. And somebody on this floor wrote on the walls in the girls restroom again! Why are you even taking pencils in there? This has been going on for weeks."

Much mumbling, staring at the floor and shuffling of feet. Someone whispered, "I didn't do it."

"I didn't ask who didn't do it. But I bet someone here knows who did. Everyone is probably going to be in trouble, again, because a few people can't control themselves. I know for a fact you are all better people than this."

All eyes are down now and the mumbling has stopped. Out shuffles their sitter.

"What is going here!??!?"

I explain about the restroom situation and how disappointed I am with their behavior today.

She blustered, "Is this something I should know about?"

Hmm. Shouldn't she already be aware that these kids have been bananas all day? Maybe she's been sleeping... "I'll make sure the teachers know. I've already spoken to the janitor."

Some of the kids' eyes go super huge at this news. And I've obviously also upset the befuddled sitter as she shuffles off with the class of zombies in tow, most of whom have forgotten I'm still watching and start acting like idiots again behind her back.

About a minute later she's at my door. My zombies are at gym, so I'm all alone.

"Excuse me, but if you have a problem with my class, then please speak to me first. When you speak to my class like that, you undermine my authority."

With that she exited double quick not giving me a chance to respond. That was really disappointing. The comebacks I could have peppered her with came to me one after the other. The missed opportunity of it all almost made me chase her down. But no. Instead I did the mature thing and flipped off the spot where she was standing.

So it's come to this. I've been reduced down to the level of a zombie. I'm going to go now and cover myself in band-aids and find something in my pants to throw away.

Two quick zombie stories with a side of mayo

Last week was a new record for me. I worked five days and all five of them were in the first grade. Not the same class either, five different first grade rooms. First grade zombies have a special type of neediness that really gets under my skin. They think they are big enough to mouth off, but on the other hand lose everything that they put in a pocket and cannot, under any circumstance, sharpen a pencil. I have two unique little stories to share from this week.

I was sitting on the rug with a group of first grade zombies discussing the invention of clothes. It was a social studies paper we were all reading together. The zombies were following along and they were mostly fairly good readers. I stopped along the way to ask, "What do you call someone with no clothes?" A little fellow raised a hand.

"Naked!" Lots of giggles all around, but I congratulated him on the right answer. Another hand was raised, this time a little zombie girl.

"Do you know another word for it?" I asked. I was waiting for her to say nude or something like that.

She smiled broadly. "Yeah," she said. "Hillbillies!"

I think my jaw might have actually hit the floor.

The next day, another teacher was taking my class to the library in small groups while I kept the rest back. Seems that 25 first graders in a library at once is too much in that particular school. The other teacher, who was also a sub, took the first group, but then came back earlier than I expected without any kids at all. I knew she was a little confused on the procedures, but this seemed extreme. She motioned me over with that I have a grown-up thing to tell you look on her face.

"One of your boys", she began very quietly, "won't be coming back. He's in the office."

"What did he do?" I quickly tried to remember who she had taken and which boy she could be referring to. The other teacher looked very hesitant to tell me.

"Well, the librarian saw him...", she paused, very uncomfortable.

What could he have done? My mind raced! Destroy a book? Stand on a table? Attack the librarian? Pick his nose? Finally she spoke, spitting it out as quickly as she could.

"The librarian saw him put his hands down his pants, pull out some poop. then drop it in a garbage can!"

Again, jaw on the floor. I had to be sure of this. "He did what?"

"OH! I can't repeat it!", and she hustled back out the door.

No one with that weak of a constitution should be working in an elementary school situation.

Now for the mayo.

A few weeks ago, Fearless Co-Leader gave me a lovely little plant for Leader Appreciation Week. (Just so you know, I didn't get her anything, not even a card. I completely forgot about this little occasion.) I brought this plant home, put it on the side table with nothing under it and left it. On Wednesday I noticed it was looking a little droopy so I picked it up for a watering when I noticed a big white circle on the wood where the plant was sitting. A water mark, big as life, and I had no one to blame but myself.

But wait. Didn't I just read a strange article about using mayonnaise to save wooden furniture from just this very ailment? I did! Quickly I found the article again and it was pretty straightforward. Rub mayo into the spot and leave it there for six to eight hours then wipe it off. I figure it was worth a shot. It would either work or the cats would have a big time licking the table all day.

The end of the story is that it did work, too well in fact. The rest of the table looks just a little less shiny and new than the mayo spot, so I'm planning on giving the whole surface a mayo face lift someday soon. I'll have a prettiest, tastiest table in town!

I Made It!

It might not seem like much when I say that I had to spend the last nine school days with the meanest group of sixth grade zombies ever, but believe me, it was a long, LONG nine days.

Not only were these zombies mean to each other, but they were also openly mean to me. It sucked! Me, the fave sub in the district for the past five years finally met her match in a group of angry haters. And they had the nerve to call ME mean! It was just too much to take.

Here's some highlights: This week they had to make their PowerPoint presentation on the inventor they researched. They've been working on this program for weeks and this presentation was the grand finale of all their hard work and preparation. Watching them was torture, pure torture. They would stand and face the board and read what they wrote to us off of it. "Hello, my name is Mean Zombie and this my report on Alexander Graham Bell". I spent all 55 presentations wanting to scream "I KNOW HOW TO READ! STOP READING TO ME!" Of course these zombies who spend the majority of the school day screaming at each other across the room or (just to the person sitting next to them) could barely muster more than a whisper for the presentation. Did I mention it was torture?

During recess, which was indoors eight days out of nine because of the weather, I would put Free Rice up on the Smart Board for anyone to play. Do you know Free Rice? It's a vocabulary building site that donates 20 grains of rice for every word you get right. Go and play it a little and then you'll understand why when the average vocabulary level for anyone playing was around 6, I wanted to rip my eyes out.

Today, being the last day before break we showed a movie. What should have been a cake afternoon was just misery. They talked, moved around, passed notes, got flaming angry about what was written in notes, stormed around the room, a little shoving fight broke out, a handful of zombies got shipped out and finally we just shut off the movie because no one was watching. My ears are still ringing from it all.

But it is over. Over! Over! Over! The other teacher said something along the lines about me coming back again the next time the teacher is out. Yeah, right. I'm not available, ever again. I'm terribly terrible busy and won't be able to make it. So sorry.