I Made It!

It might not seem like much when I say that I had to spend the last nine school days with the meanest group of sixth grade zombies ever, but believe me, it was a long, LONG nine days.

Not only were these zombies mean to each other, but they were also openly mean to me. It sucked! Me, the fave sub in the district for the past five years finally met her match in a group of angry haters. And they had the nerve to call ME mean! It was just too much to take.

Here's some highlights: This week they had to make their PowerPoint presentation on the inventor they researched. They've been working on this program for weeks and this presentation was the grand finale of all their hard work and preparation. Watching them was torture, pure torture. They would stand and face the board and read what they wrote to us off of it. "Hello, my name is Mean Zombie and this my report on Alexander Graham Bell". I spent all 55 presentations wanting to scream "I KNOW HOW TO READ! STOP READING TO ME!" Of course these zombies who spend the majority of the school day screaming at each other across the room or (just to the person sitting next to them) could barely muster more than a whisper for the presentation. Did I mention it was torture?

During recess, which was indoors eight days out of nine because of the weather, I would put Free Rice up on the Smart Board for anyone to play. Do you know Free Rice? It's a vocabulary building site that donates 20 grains of rice for every word you get right. Go and play it a little and then you'll understand why when the average vocabulary level for anyone playing was around 6, I wanted to rip my eyes out.

Today, being the last day before break we showed a movie. What should have been a cake afternoon was just misery. They talked, moved around, passed notes, got flaming angry about what was written in notes, stormed around the room, a little shoving fight broke out, a handful of zombies got shipped out and finally we just shut off the movie because no one was watching. My ears are still ringing from it all.

But it is over. Over! Over! Over! The other teacher said something along the lines about me coming back again the next time the teacher is out. Yeah, right. I'm not available, ever again. I'm terribly terrible busy and won't be able to make it. So sorry.

What a way to make a living

Tomorrow I start a twelve day stint in a second grade room in my home school. Hurray! 12 days of not waking up with the phone ringing, 12 days of knowing what I'm doing the next day, 12 days of being somewhere with guaranteed nice kids and not insane animals. Hurray again! I met with the teacher today and the plans are dreamy! Just broad strokes with general time frames and the instructions to just get through what I can. This I can handle!

And I picked that clip art picture because the kid in the pink shirt cracks me up. Every class has a kid like that!

Sharpen This!

You might think you know what my job is, but you would be wrong. I might pose as a "substitute elementary teacher", but in reality, most everyday, I'm a director in one of the greatest musical productions you've ever heard. It goes by many titles-- "Lead Dread", "Get to the Point!", or "Misery Wrapped in Wood". But the title I prefer is "Tragedy of the Pencil".

This show plays daily in most 1st and 2nd grade classrooms. It's a long show, usually five to six hours long, so wear something comfortable and make sure you have plenty of Tylenol on hand. As you move up through the grades, the length of the show decreases, but every now and then you''ll hear one of its catchy reprises or haunting melodies.

The marvel of this show is the variety of the musical styling. Some days it's sung to zany circus music; another day it might be an operatic lament. Will it be a big brass band complete with a cannon in tow or a retro interpretation of a dull needle on a skippy, scratchy LP recording of "Songs to Annoy". Whatever the tune, the libretto is always the same. Here's a small sampling. Feel free to tap you toe along to any tune that strikes your fancy.

My pencil needs sharpening! My pencil lead broke! Can I sharpen my pencil? Will you sharpen it for me? Our pencil sharpener doesn't work right. I hurt my hand sharpening my pencil. HE'S EMPTYING IT AGAIN!

Can I use the electric sharpener? ONLY THE TEACHER CAN USE THE ELECTRIC SHARPENER! Nuh-un! Yes-huh! The electric sharpener is too hot! It's overhot! It's our third one this year! She's putting colored pencils in the sharpener! I have a fuzzy pencil! I have a shiny pencil! I have a glitter pencil! She broke the sharpener! HE'S EMPTYING IT AGAIN!

I lost my pencil. Can't find my pencil! I just had it and now it's gone. He took my pencil. No, this is mine! No it's not! It's mine 'cause I found it on the floor! That's my pencil!

I broke my pencil. She broke my pencil. My pencil won't sharpen. This pencil doesn't have an eraser anymore! This eraser only makes black marks. Can I glue my eraser back on? Look at my cool eraser. Hey, that's my eraser! Nuh-uh! Yes-huh! I found it on the floor yesterday!

Our teacher lets us have mechanical pencils. My lead keeps breaking. I'm out of lead. [Sound of tiny bits of lead hitting the floor.] Opps! Can I borrow some lead? There's some in the teachers desk...in that drawer right there...she lets us borrow. I took my pencil apart and there was this tiny spring that was really fun and I was squeezing it and it went boing boing boing and then it flew over there and now I can't find it and now I don't have a pencil. HE'S USING A PEN!

I need a pencil. My pencil is too short to use. He has like fifty hundred pencils in his box and he won't let me have one. Fine, I'll just use a crayon and it will be ugly and I'll get a bad grade!

I broke my pencil in half and now I have two!

I wish I could offer you the entire show, but some things must be experienced in person to be truly appreciated. So, this is your director saying farewell and "Stop pointing that at me"!