Friday, July 25, 2008

Doing my patriotic duty

We took advantage of the sun and warmth yesterday to hit Cedar Point. It was fairly crowded. We rode a few rides, caught a show, had some fries and an elephant ear and left. But this post is about what happened on the Fourth of July at CP. I've been putting it off, but the Man insists that I document the incident. I'll let the three of you be the judge. I've gotten nothing but grief about this from my family.


Like I said, it was the Fourth of July and we thought, for some misguided reason, that going to CP would be a good idea. Unfortunately everyone else within a ten hour drive of the place had the same thought. The place was packed. We didn't get there until around 5Pm and our only goal was to ride the Millennium and see the fireworks. We ended up getting in plenty of rides, including the Millennium before nightfall.

We headed down to the beach for the fireworks show. The Man created us all amazingly comfortable beach recliners dug into the sand. Mine came complete with a headrest thanks to my bag. The beach was filling up fast and it wasn't long before we were surrounded on all sides.

Right behind us there were two young men. It was obvious that they were employees of the park who were off duty. One was Slovenian or Slovakian, I didn't quite catch it. The other (and I'm tipping my hand in this story by naming him this) was the Stupidest American on the Beach. I'm just going to script out their conversation, along with my reactions. The fireworks show was going on this entire time, but it wasn't so loud as to drown out this unfortunate conversation.

Eastern European Tax Break Employee: In my country the fireworks are much brighter, much higher.

Idiot: Oh yeah?

EETBE: Yes. They have more colors and are bigger too.

Idiot: Sounds nice.

EETBE: This is an American holiday?

Idiot: Yeah, it's an American thing.

EETBE: What is it called?

Idiot: It's the Fourth of July.

EETBE: I know that, but does it have another name?

Idiot: Nope, just Fourth of July. Makes it easy to remember.

I think, "Independence Day" must have too many syllables for you!

EETBE: Ah. (long pause) So what is it that it celebrates?

Idiot: Ummm.....It's got something to do with the starting of the country.

EETBE: You don't know?

Idiot: No, I know. It's just hard to explain. I don't know all the details.

EETBE: You don't know the history of your own country?

Idiot: Well see, they teach all of it like when you're in the fourth grade and then you don't get back to it again, so it's hard to remember. But Fourth of July is when the country started.

He did NOT just say that! Oh, please stop talking!

EETBE: So then, what year did this country start?

Uh-Oh..

Idiot: Ahhhh....ummm.....something like....ahhhh.....1804?

What? What did he say? AHHHHHHHH!

EETBE: You don't know?

Idiot: Like I said, that was a long time ago (very long pause). No wait! It was 17...92.

EETBE: Oh.

This has to stop. I'm going to lose my mind!

Idiot: No wait, wait. It was 177......

I hold my breath. Will he redeem himself? Redeem us all?

Idiot: 9!

I snap. Literally. I wheel around in my chair made of sand and scream over the fireworks...
"1776! For Christ's Sake!"

I fall back and behind me the stunned silence falls like an iron wall.


The Man leans over. "That was really rude! What's the matter with you?"

The Girl chimes in, "Yeah Mama, why were you yelling at that guy?"

"He had it coming", I say fiercely. But as I am criticized by my family I start to feel I little bad for my behavior.

Finally the two behind me come out of their shock.

EETBE: (Mutters quietly)

Idiot: Yeah, 1776. That sounds right. That was the year of the Boston Tea Dance.

I didn't say a word.

6 comments:

Weaver said...

i would have exploded too but probably not as nicely (still full of raging hormones here :) ) we spent the 4th watching the oak creek parade and making fun of all the church "rock bands" playing from old hay wagons.

Brewer said...

THE BOSTON TEA DANCE???? WTF!!!!
That is where i would have lost it and berated the kid and accused his parents for co-mingling with livestock!!!! What a bugger eating moron!!! You were completely correct in yelling at the buffoon. It was yours as well as every other person wiht in earshot of that dope to correct him.. This idiot/produce of american education just confirmed every belief to the EEBTE that americans really are dumber than a fifth grader....
Thank you for doing your duty!
*high fives*

me said...

You lasted longer then I would have. I't amazing what is coming out of the schools now a days maybe B is right at it is a case of co-mingling!

By the way... what was the Boston Tea Dance... a 2 step or a square dance?

J. said...

Weaver: Church rock band? UGH! And you go right ahead and have hormone induced rages. You're entitled.

Brewer: Thanks for the support. The mind boggles at what you would have said to this guy had you been there.

ME: The Boston Tea Dance is actually more of a cross between a waltz and the hokey pokey. Very disturbing to watch.

Nance said...

sigh. i want to smack everyone who indirectly blamed this moron's teachers and the schools. do they think that his teachers did NOT teach the American Revolution to him, or that they called it The Boston Tea Dance? This idiot obviously didn't make his learning a priority, and he doesn't have any pride in his country. it is not his teachers' or schools' fault. IT IS HIS.

finally--and you know this--i would have said something WAY SOONER, if only to make sure that the visitor to our country had some correct information from someone who had a clue. your restraint was incredible. give E. a smack for me.

me said...

N - I didn't mean to blame the teachers. I'm blaming the stupid kids for not taking advantage of what is out there to learn. Sorry for the offense.