Friday, July 03, 2009

Two For Lousy Two

More often than not you meet people who declare they haven't been to the movies in years. That all movies are a waste of time and money. Who tell you to your face that you are an idiot for going to the theater at all. Okay, maybe not that last one, but they do sometimes have that look on their faces like you're an idiot.

Today as I write you, I'm feeling like an idiot. We went to the movies twice this week which is pretty unheard of even for us. What is even more unheard of is that both movies sucked eggs. And not just a couple of eggs. No, they both sucked one of those over sized crates of thirty eggs. The rest of this post is going to extensively slam both of these movies because they deserve it. If you were planning on attending either, consider this your spoiler warning-- DON"T GO SEE TRANSFORMERS 2 OR PUBLIC ENEMIES.

Now to the details.

First I tell you that I liked the first Transformers movie. I liked the silly story and the robots and Shia. The Brother saw Transformers 2 before me and offered this warning, "It's got too much action." Too much action? What kind of criticism is that? Pshaw to The Brother. We're going!

This movie has too much action. It is a constant blur of sharp metal shards flying around and huge explosions. You can't follow what is happening. There's no point in trying. It's giant robots fighting with each other, that's all you need to know. Many times during the super long extended action scenes I would have to avert my eyes to the floor or walls just because I couldn't take it any more. At one point near the end (but not near enough) the tattoo beat of Just-Effing-End-Just-Effing-End began to pulse through my brain. But they hadn't even brought Optimus Prime back to life yet, so I was out of luck.

All these explosions and fighting robots are happening right next to tiny fragile humans. Humans who all live charmed, magical lives and get survive all of this. Opps, let me fix that. Shia does happen to get thrown by an explosion that shreds his shirt and kills him briefly sending him to Autobot heaven (I wish I were kidding). But it must have been some super strong shirt because underneath the just hanging threads there's nary a scratch. The super hot, but can't act girlfriend runs around in the desert dodging flying metal and explosions in white pants and doesn't get dirty. True story.

One last thing. This movie is dirty. Not that I'm a prude but this is a movie based on a child's toy! Hasbro gets a screen credit in the opening titles. And yet there is one crude body part joke after another. There's multiple panty shots. There's sex references all over the place. It's not even subtle, all of this adult material, and some of the scenes and conversations made even this mommy of teenagers uncomfortable. I can't imagine how I would have felt it I had brought an eight-year old. None of this dirtiness had anything to do with the story. Someone just thought it would be funny, I guess. All it was inappropriate. (Gads, I do sound like a prude!)

Enough, I've written more than it deserves. Let's move on to the next cinematic mistake.

I love Johnny Depp. While that might not be a novel statement, I thought it would be fair to start with it, because it's going to one of the only nice things I'm about to say.

Public Enemies blows. I've stewed on this for a couple of days hoping to find redemption for it, but in retrospect it's just getting worse.

It started with a really promising scene- a chase though a apple orchard and Christian Bale almost acting. Really. He had moving facial expressions and everything. Unfortunately, that opening scene must have worn him out because for the rest of the movie he was the Christian Bale Cardboard Cut-Out Man. They had grips pick him up move him around from scene to scene. They cut out the part where his mouth was pictured and someone else shoved their lips in the hole and did the talking. The super unfortunate thing is that the voice they used for him was the WORST depression-era Midwest accent you ever had to endure. It ended up being actually a parody of an accent and as a semi-Midwesterner, I am insulted. Deeply.

If you know anything about John Dillinger from watching the History Channel or reading a book, you would know that he was an interesting guy that led an extraordinary life. If the only thing you knew about Dillinger was this movie, you would not give a hoot about him and think that the whole Chicago gangland thing was just a bunch of media hype promoted by the city of Chicago in a lame attempt to attract tourists. The makers of this movie do everything they can (and succeed!) to keep you from bonding with any of the characters. When someone would die, my only thought would be,"Oh good. One less thug to keep track of".

Johnny was wonderful though. He took his scenes and lines out of this miserable script and made it work. Like actors should do. But the movies was just too slow, too plodding, too lifeless to be saved even by his handsome puss.

It cost $28 for the four of us to go to the movies. So this entertaining post that you've just read about my pain and suffering cost $56. Donations accepted.


Brewer said...

Well i just saw Public enemies, i saw transforgettable 2 opening day. Transormers was horrable. Thats all i'm going to say about that movie.
Now public Enemies was a flick i desperatly wanted you to be wrong. You weren't.
I said that Public Enemies goes down as the first movie that left nothign on the cutting room floor. That movie comes in at 2hr2mins. Fraking painful.. there were sscenes that that were pointless.. Bale was a worser than a cardboard standie.. to me there were 2 decent points:
1 Johnny Depp, wonderful. He's not going to get a statue for this but SOLID preformance.
2 Serious props to who ever decided to make J Edgar Hoover THAT GAY!!! Every time he talked you could FEEL the bitchy queen in him!!! Priceless!!

Brewer said...

Correction crappy typest at 12:33AM. running time is 2hrs 20 Mins.