Thursday, March 25, 2010

Detective I Am Not

The names in the following story have been changed to protect the confused. This is a true tale. There's no way I could make this up.

Me: Biff, I need to talk to you. Yesterday after you left, (He had fallen into the only puddle of water on the whole playground soaking himself completely.) Igor was waving around a $20 bill telling everyone you gave it to him.

Biff: I didn't give him anything.

Me: Really? Because he said you did. Hey Igor! Come here! Where did you get that $20 yesterday?

Igor: He gave it to me. (He points at Biff who starts to shake his head wildly.)

Me: Okay Igor, thanks. Go back to recess.

Biff: I didn't give him any money.

Me: I'm talking about this money right here. (I open my desk drawer and take out a battered $20 bill. Biff looks totally alarmed.)

Biff: You see what happened is that I didn't have any pockets so I dropped it at lunch and Igor picked it up.

Me: Did you know Igor had your money?

Biff: Yeah.

Me: Did you ask for it back?

Biff: No. He can keep it. (Biff is shuffling around now, staring at the floor.)

Me: No, I don't think so. $20 is a lot of money. Where did you get it?

Biff: Acme gave it to me.

Me: Acme? Acme who?

Biff: (exasperated) Acme Bullwinkle!

Me: And whose class is he in?

Biff: I don't know.

Me: What grade is he in?

Biff: I don't know.

Me: Is he older than you or younger than you?

Biff: We're the same age!

Me: Okay good, so he's in the second grade!

Biff: No, he goes to a different school.

Me: Do you know what school?

Biff: Northwood.

Me: Then Acme is older than you. Big kids go to Northwood.

Biff: I said he was 12!

Me: No, you said you were the same age. Are you 12?

Biff: No, I'm 8!

(A long pause while I try to digest all of this.)

Me: When did Acme give you this money?

Biff: Yesterday morning so I could go buy stuff.

Me: Where did you see him?

Biff: On the street.

Me: Were you waiting for the bus?

Biff: He doesn't ride my bus.

Me: But you were waiting for your bus?

Biff: I don't know.

Me: Is Acme usually outside when you are waiting for the bus.

Biff: Sometimes.

Me: So he's your neighbor?

Biff: (clearly fed up with my questions) No!

(I have a take a deep breath here.)

Me: He's your friend, right?

Biff: I guess.

Me: Did you tell him you lost the money?

Biff: Yeah.

Me: Was he mad?

Biff: No, he doesn't care.

Me: No?

Biff: No!

Me: Okay. What were you supposed to buy with the money?

Biff: Chips and pop and stuff.

Me: What store were you going to buy it from?

Biff: I don't know. I'm not allowed to go to the store.

(Right around this time a found myself blinking uncontrollably. What does that mean?)

Me: Biff, I've got to tell you that this story isn't making any sense at all. I mean none of it. Not a word. I'm getting the feeling that you're not telling something.

Biff: I didn't give Igor $20!

Me: Yeah, I got that. I think I'm going to have to give mom a call on this one. Okay?

Biff: She doesn't know anything either.

Me: I have no doubt on that one.


Weaver said...

good gravy! i think i would have just walked away. you are waaaaaay better than me! :)

Nance said...

Don't you love it? This is no different than the type of conversation I would have had with my juniors or sophomores. I perpetuate it just because it gets so insane. And the parents, in many cases, are just as unfathomable.

I had a parent conference due to the student's habitual tardiness. The parent was 15 minutes late to the conference. Big surprise. NOT.

Nance said...

Nice template! Where did you get it?